What a Millennial Caregiver Means to Me

Being a caregiver is a labor of love. It is hard, exhausting work, and it usually only gets harder with time. To me, it felt like an uphill climb, but by the time I reached the summit I was too tired to see any of it. It requires love, grit, sacrifice, love, more grit, and a change in perspective.

Being a millennial caregiver, however, adds a unique twist of difficulties to the pot. 10 of the 43 million caregivers in the United States today fall into the category of ‘millennial caregivers’, according to AARP. Though I am technically not a millennial (some may argue I am just on the cusp), the term in this context means anyone in their 20s or 30s that is caregiving for a parent(s) or grandparent(s), often times living in the same home. These two decades of life are quite formative and are when most people figure out their identity and next life steps in some form. Some travel, some return to school or learn a new trade, some change or further develop their careers, some date looking for a future relationship, some buy a place to live, some get married, some have kids, some acquire pets, and all of them begin their identity development in some way.

When these decades are interrupted by caregiving responsibilities, in my opinion, so does self-development. Suddenly, millennial caregivers are launched into full-blown adulthood with adult responsibilities like figuring out finances for themselves and potentially their loved one, arranging for or providing adequate care for their loved one 24/7 while trying to keep their job or school schedule, learning the medical world and its routines and lingo in order to get the appropriate care for their loved one, learning insurance ins and outs, arranging for or providing transportation for their loved one’s appointments, arranging or preparing meals, completing household chores, and attending to the specific needs of whatever their situation may be. When is there time for millennial caregivers to care for themselves? Navigate the relationship world? Attend to their kids? Have kids of their own? Pursue career interests? Figure out how to make ends meet on their own? Understand who they are in this world?

The process is delayed. As a millennial caregiver, I can confidently say that my 30s were given to caregiving and grieving. I will turn 40 this coming year, and I am excited to see what life has to offer in my 40s that was paused in my 30s. My identity changed through caregiving and grieving, and it feels a bit like I am starting over. At 40. It’s a very strange feeling.

I don’t regret spending the time I did with my parents as their illnesses unfolded. I would not change anything about that, and I cherished the moments with them, despite the infrequent lucidity at the end. It was my way of expressing love and care for them, and it became my way of expressing care for myself as well as I struggled through finding what I needed to do for myself in the midst of what they needed. In the mental health world, we call them boundaries. I remember one of the nurses telling me that “someday, this will all be over (meaning the hospitals/illnesses), and then what?” Her question resonated and was a large part of my decision to stay in grad school so that I had something left for me once they either healed or passed away. I am forever grateful for this advice as when they died, though a part of me did as well, caregiving was not my entirety.

If you find yourself in a caregiving situation, I encourage you similarly. What happens when it’s over? Is there any part of you left? How do we find the balance between living without regret and having moments to care for ourselves?

Every situation is different, and circumstances may change often. That’s ok. But if we get swept away into each passing circumstance, it can be easy to lose ourselves completely. What would it be like to find just one thing for you each day? A brief morning walk? Reading a book for 10 minutes? Putting yummy flavored coffee cream in your morning Joe? Taking a moment to journal some thoughts before bed? Taking a phone call from a friend and not talking about caregiving? Anything that reminds you that you are also a person with a body, needs, and desires. The more we are connected to ourselves, the more we will have to give.